Before we say goodbye, can you give me my heart back? 
Here is yours. 
He thinks I am joking, but he plays along.
Yes, here is your heart
His words on the other side of the country bring something home to me,
something that I didn't know was missing. 
I press the red button on my phone
The deepest breath I ever took
moves through my body. 

This beautiful man was my rock ever since his eyes showed me how gentle life could be. 
Even years after our first goodbye,
I would imagine him next to me in my darkest night
on days everything felt like pure alignment of happiness.
I would feel his lips kissing my tears
his hands on my back reminding me of my jaguar strength

I turn of my phone. 
Wondering how definite goodbyes can become
so I put it to the test
Stay in bed for days.
Order pizza's that leave red stains on my white sheets,
cover myself under the denial of the outside world.

My blankets feel safe like salt water. 
Moving reminds me of living, so I lay still,
let the waves of grief answer the rising moon.

After four days my body aches so much that I have to get up.
I rise and decide to turn this goodbye into a bigger hello to myself.

Soraya Petzoldt